From disorder to reorder
So, in Adam’s current disordered state, he is not okay. (Blog post: Adam’s journey/Adam wounded). He is wounded and sore. He’s defended and avoidant and struggles to show up for life in a real way. He feels angry and disappointed with life (actually with himself but this is difficult to admit). His strategies and defense mechanisms are backfiring on him and he’s getting himself into more trouble by avoiding/numbing and escaping from himself.
Hopefully he eventually wakes up to himself and realizes that a better life awaits. There is a decision to be made – yes, there is an option: will he take the blue pill of more sleep walking, or will he do the brave thing of taking the red pill of awareness and consciousness, of waking up to the ‘good enough’ man still waiting to be recovered from the many layers of defense built up over his lifetime. Will he be courageous enough to choose the path of vulnerability (i.e., the willingness to expose yourself to meaningful risk)? Choosing vulnerability, is taking the road to re-integration, wholeness, and the restoration of Adam. The new order is a state of reorder and requires the integration of all the parts of Adam that unraveled since he sustained that first wound.
Adam has forgotten who he really is at his core, and he now has te re-member (integration) himself again. He must remember that his original state of goodness has not left the building! Recovering a whole Adam is possible! But it’s not going to be a piece of cake: the hero’s journey must go down before he can come up again and re-emerge as his truer self.
It reminds me of a recipe you should try out – a salad recipe (very manly indeed)! Ingredients include raw shredded cabbage (yes, but keep on reading!), grated carrots, ginger, soy sauce, sesame seeds, chili, honey and 2-minute noodles. Munching on a piece of ginger tastes horrible. Drinking half a cup of soy sauce is torture. Eating the individual parts of the salad will put you off these ingredients for the rest of your life. But combining and integrating the individual parts, makes for a beautiful salad you could eat for the rest of your life! Integration made all the difference!
All parts of Adam – good and bad, likeable and abhorrent, light and dark – must be owned. Vulnerability implies that you need to face your shadow: you look deep into your own eyes and acknowledge all the parts of yourself, even the ones that bring you shame, guilt and self-contempt. But this looking must be with soft eyes, with a non-judgemental gaze filled with self-compassion and forgiveness. It’s opening your arms to the unlovable parts of yourself and embracing it long enough until it also feels welcome to be at home. Wounds must be integrated too. And so must weaknesses, faults, mistakes, and imperfections!
The type of new wholeness that is real and sustainable, include imperfection! Perfection is an illusion and is a barrier to the ‘good enough’ that is well within our reach. Richard Röhr said “The demand for the perfect is the enemy of the possible good.” Adam is a human being. “Human” comes from the Latin word ‘humanus’, thought to be a hybrid relative of homo, meaning “man,” and humus, meaning “earth.” Other words derived from ‘humus’ are humane, humility, and even humour. Can you see where I’m going with this?! Adam should perhaps accept his flaws, his being a humble member of humanity, with a bit more humour!
This new whole which integrates all of ourselves, is a wonderful, complex, nuanced, rich, multitextured and lively way of being – the way it was supposed to be from the very beginning. This new order is perhaps even better than the original state of being!
There are more disrupted parts of us that need to be integrated. Think of how disconnected Adam has become from his body, mind, soul and spirit. There is disconnect from our fellow human beings in this era of individualism and ‘self-improvement’ – our relationships are the victims. Men are mostly out of touch with the natural world and the wild man within, longing for the outdoors and adventure – and our planet is the victim of this diconnect. Adam should also reintegrate the secular and the spiritual – it’s all part of the whole. (See future blog posts about these aspects of integration and reorder.)
Becoming ‘okay’ again, healing and restoring and integrating into a new whole is a process. It’s not a once off and you’re done. It’s often three steps forward, two steps back. But please persist at this and don’t lose heart. It requires patience and self-compassion. Soft eyes. A forgiving heart. And plenty of humor! Rather than self-flagellation, smile at yourself and promise yourself to keep going at it once more. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.” John Lennon
I love Ben Goresky’s (@evolvingman) description of the integrated man:
“An integrated man is one who knows himself deeply and accepts both the dark and light parts of himself.
He’s in touch with his emotions, doesn’t run away from them – yet he doesn’t lose control.
He’s a channel for his purpose, his life’s work.
He listens to his body, his romantic partner, his kids, and nature… And responds accordingly.
He’s fully present, showing up, and leaning into what life brings.
Deep down, he’s satisfied with who he is, yet knows there’s always more to discover.
He knows freedom is an inside job, and he’s in control of what’s his to control.”
The “how to” part of integration will follow in future posts – watch the space!